Look Up

I cant even comprehend what's going on right now. The musical is going horribly wrong..... and its next week! The lead almost got cut from the show and no one is taking it seriously. It almost makes me feel like i should just quit. But i wont, I wouldn't do that to people who really want to make it good (which im trying my hardest, but so far its not working). I just need to hope and pray that all goes well...

Next I have the opportunity to go New York this summer for a theater/leadership workshop for 10 days. It's really expensive but my aunt is going to pay for it herself because she's a "follow your dream" kind of person and I love that about her. Unfortunately, my dad so far isnt letting me go for (what seems like) no legitimate reason. And its my DREAM to be in New York and be on Broadway. I've always been told to follow your dream but there never seemed to be a way on going about that. So I came to terms with it and decided that i will be a teacher for the rest of my life. But now, the opportunity to take the first step, in which i never thought would come, presents itself, and its going to yanked out from under my feet so then i can fall on my face. It will hurt, but i'll have to get over it. God does it for a reason. That reason hasn't presented itself yet, but there is one. However, hope isnt totally lost, he hasn't 100% made up his mind yet.

What ever happens, happens, and I'll have to come to terms with that eventually. I just hope inside that some things in life will start looking up.....

The Return of Stress...... and New Problems

Once again im sorry for not writing, but im gonna be serious about blogging again. So, from the title, its safe to assume that things have been hard lately. My grades have been slipping, the road with God gets more difficult (which may be a good thing), and the school musical is going horribly. I also seem to find myself getting upset over the stupidest of things. Ive consistantly had a disliking for this one kid, i didnt know why, everyone liked him, he never showed he had problems, and his life seemed perfect. Then it hit me, "im jealous." I wanted to scream because the one i loathed is the person i want to be like. But then again, there are always things that people dont show. Maybe he is jealous of me, maybe his life really is perfect, but it's taken me a while to realize that God made me for a reason. I am supposed to be who He made me. God doesn't make mistakes. He made me special and in his image at the same time. I still feel like this will be a message that I will need to remember my whole life. I will try my hardest but I know for sure that i will fail again, because no ones perfect........ but we still should try.

Free

Fear of judgement is a huge part of my life that seems to take over every little thing that I do. I would always watch what i would say or do or even think out of fear of someone thinking I was wierd, stupid, or anything else negative. Even though it won't matter in the long run. Its an ongoing process that makes me forget who I am because I'm too busy being occupied with trying to be "safe." I want to be myself and I'm scared that its not going to be acceptable to everyone's idea of who I should be. BUT I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!!!! I'M DONE WITH TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYONE! I'M GOING TO BE MYSELF FROM NOW ON! whew! that made me tired. So, I'm living for God and I don't care if that makes you feel any differently about me. That's who I am and I'm fed up with trying to live a double life. So, there you go, I'm am free from judgement.

Weekend Update

To start out, I apologize about my absence to write. Its been alomst two months. Im 16 now, and my school play is next week. May I add that the show is one of my sources of stress, but I still love it. I went to Fall Retreat with my youth group at Camp Cosley and it was amazing and I couldn't ask for anything better. Its been a time of great growth that I probably wouldn't think would ever happen. I don't question God's existance anymore because I truly believe and sence His presence. I'm not as scared of speaking about my problems. I guess the only way that I can explain it is that I'm just happy. I feel at peace. Now Im not saying that everything is perfect and now I don't need any help, but I mean that things are heading in the right direction. Its a nice change of pace. :)

Get Me Right

There's a song that describes whats going on in my head perfectly. Its called "Get Me Right" by Dashboard Confessional. so here's the part I think relates to me the most.

But, Jesus I've fallen
I don't mind the rain in
I meet my maker
I'll meet my maker clean

But, Jesus the truth is
I've struggled so hard to believe
I'll meet my maker
I'll meet my maker

To cure of my doubting blood
And drain me of the sins I love
And take away my disbelief
I know it should come easily
But it reamains inside of me
It battles and devours me
It cuddles up the side of me
And whispers and convinces me I'm

Right



I guess it just shows how easily I'm falling back into my own ways. It starts to take me to a point where I wonder "is it worth it? Is God even real?" But I'm trying my hardest because I tend to be a skeptical person. I need to have faith in what He can do for me, and that every thing will be alright.

Friend-sick

Recently one of my best friends moved away so some place thats like 3 hours away. Im sure that if you've ever had a friend move away, you know what I'm feeling. This is the first time its ever happened to me so I'm having a really hard time. I have other friends but he was my best friend. I talked to him about everything. I even looked up to him a little bit. He was just one my first really good friends and I dont know if he's ever moving back and its agonizing!! I just really want to find already. but I guess I'll have to wait. So, yea

Its All Good In The Hood

I havent been on since my last post, and I realized that it was uber depressing and Im sorry about that. It wasnt supposed to be like that, I was just venting and I opened up a little more then I normally like to. However, I might as well give an update. School is a lot better then I thought it was going to be. The people that teased me, dont even bother anymore. Thank you, Lord. My whole outlook on life is much better. So yea.... Its all good in the hood.